Unsent Letter #5

This has got to be one of the worst nights since.

I was in a sort of a retreat last weekend and no thoughts of you even bothered me a bit (okay fine, maybe a little ‘cause who am I kidding right). I was very happy with how I was handling things and I thought I was already starting to get over you. Come Sunday afternoon with that oddly horrendous dream and everything I’ve worked hard for goes down the drain like sand going through that slit of space inside an hourglass.

I am such a mess and one can only imagine that a person like me has to go through this kind of pain without the ability of expressing it openly. I can’t and don’t want to because I’d rather cry my pain in the confines of my bedroom where no one else hears my sobbing and sees my crying. I don’t want to verbally explain how things are because I will just bawl my eyes out, almost wanting to remove them from my eye sockets. It’s that bad.

I kind of wish you just cheated on me so it would have been better to hate on you and eventually forget about you. But no. Your warm memories reverberate inside my head and consequentially my eyes miss seeing your lovely face. How is it possible to love and hate someone for loving you and making you love her this much? Just… How?

I have been denying myself of the fact that I am still not over you – mainly because I have been telling people that I have (gotten over you) and I, myself, have even believed that self-concocted lie. I will go back to ground zero and make myself feel the pain. I believe that pain needs to be felt in order for it to be eliminated (refer to Unsent Letter #2). I believe one has to cry everything out so there will be no more. I believe I will get over you – sooner or later. I’ll get there. It’s a process and I will trust it.

Someone told me a while ago how strong I am. I do believe that I am strong but strong people get tired too. And I guess right now, I’m just really, really tired. I’m tired of hiding all these feelings – these feelings that slowly break me and immediately tear me apart.

I love you but/and I hate you for putting me through this.

But mostly I miss you and I just wanna see your face in the end.

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